Death by child management

The hardest thing in the world is wanting to do something well and failing miserably. That is how I feel about motherhood today. Truly, truly with all that is in me, I want to be a great mom. Not a Pinterest great mom who makes sandwiches look like sharks eating carrots trees and shit, just a quality mom whose love is dependable. I'd love to make great cupcakes and have all the neighbor kids at my house everyday, but since I'm off sugar and messes stress me out, that's not the kind of mom I need to strive to be. I'm realizing now that we know what 'normal' is with three kids and all  and summer is upon us that there's some things I've got to work out.

I'm reading this book called, Hands Free Mama and I'm serious, it is wrecking me. It's speaking truth to the deepest, most inmost part of me that knows that being a stressed out, tired, overly plugged in mom is not the person I want to be. I've known that this- these kids- this is my calling. I've known since before I ever had kids that being a mom was God's best and highest calling for me and yet...and yet. I spend my days worrying about myself, the laundry, my text messages, the computer, the messes, the table manners, the ashy skin, and the dishes. All of it is what consumes me. This, these messes & worries, these are not the point of being called to be a mom.  The point, I am slowly realizing, is to love my children well. To let them know that no matter how the world turns on them, I.am.here. The point is to spend time, real time with them- not "let's run my errands together" kind of time but let's sit down so I can really see at you and we can really talk. To be available to color, play soccer, read a book, walk to the library. But when I am so consumed with the rest of it, the mundane, I miss it completely and we all pay the price.

I loved my job at Compassion International and I probably would have stayed there if I didn't get pregnant with Avett, but that day when I found out I was pregnant I knew my time at work was done for a season. Because I knew with 3 kids in such a short span of time I wouldn't be able to do it all well and yet here I am trying to do a different 'all' and I'm getting the same results. I'm not doing much of anything well.


Here's what I want you to know: I will get through this season of motherhood one way or another and I can either manage my children or I can mother them and I've decided that it's time to be a mom and stop being a manager. But here's the thing- that selfish person that is Celina is DYING right now because I don't want to give up my ideals about how my house should look, how my kids should act and how often I can check in on the computer or my phone. I have seriously been a total bitch since I started this book because I know that my time is up and I need to make some changes. But guess what? If I don't give it up and let go now then we're looking at the few short years I have my kids in my house might be all I have because when they leave they might just leave for good if I don't love them with all I've got.

So, if you text me and I don't reply- don't worry, I'm reading a book with Eloise. If you come over and the house is a mess, just know that maybe I just finished a soccer match. If my brown kids look white from the ash on their skin, just know that maybe I decided we didn't have time for lotion because we needed to get in a bike ride before dark. And if I seem mad, know that maybe I'm dying to myself and that is painful.