Already Mine [thoughts on adoption]

*Please note: the use of the word "mine" really means "ours" but since I am writing this in the first person based on how I feel today, I am using "mine".  I will share the babies with Andy, in case you are worried about that.

When we first started talking about adoption I had a whole list of fears, including but not limited to:

• that I was being driven by selfish ambition
• that I would always feel like I was babysitting someone else's kids 
• that I would never feel like the kids were 'mine'
• that I wasn't even supposed to be adopting
• that I wasn't worthy 
• that this was "plan B" and I was making up for God's slow timing
• that I wouldn't be able to handle it
• that my family would reject me (or my kids) because of their color
• and many more that are just as irrational as the ones listed above

Not that I don't still have fears, not that more won't come up, but I realized something today about one of my fears. In regards to our children, they are already mine.  And I already feel like they are mine.  And my heart knows they are mine. I dream of them, pray for them, imagine what their little faces look like, imagine what it will be like to hold them for the first time, imagine what it will be like when Andy laughs with them, imagine what our life will be like and imagine them home.  In the spiritual realm, they have always been mine.  God has always known which children I will parent and in His mind, it has always been so.  Please understand that I am fully aware that nothing is "mine".  It's all God's, but I get to steward it.  And these babies are mine to love and care for and steward as if my life depended on it.  

I know God is in this whole thing and today as I sit here, waiting to hear back from both agencies that they received our applications and we can move forward, I dream and pray and long for the day that the babies that have always been mine in the spiritual realm are in my arms in the physical realm.  What an ache I feel for them.  What an ache I have in my heart to hold them. You don't ache for something that you don't care about.  You don't cry tears for something that doesn't matter. 

Logistical note: I decided two things yesterday when I was worrying that OWAS didn't receive our application that took us days to fill out.

1. I will always pay for Priority Mail and delivery confirmation
2. I will always make copies of what we send off so that whatever it is, I don't have to do it twice.

Anyone learned any other logistics I need to know about to not lose my mind?  Please share!