Sleep deprivation as torture

Or, "Why is God mad at me?"
Or, "Babies are cute so you don't kill them, but the same does not go for 4 year olds"

You know when you are in the midst of something and you don't really realize how seriously hard it is-because it is just life for you- but then you get way past it and you realize that it's a miracle you survived? That's how I feel right now, except I realize how seriously hard it is and it will be a miracle if I survive.

The baby only gets up once a night and while that is tough, it is still doable considering the community of helping hands (i.e. my mom and my amazing husband) I have. However, when the baby and the 4 year old wake me at separate intervals in my sleep, 'tough' becomes a word used by marathoners and the word for what I am experiencing doesn't exist. I swear, last night when one of my precious children 'got scared' and woke us up twice, I honestly thought to myself, "I don't know why God is mad at me?!??" except I said it with tears and gnashing of teeth. It feels like hell when you are awakened in the middle of the night by a child. But thats not nearly as bad as the next morning when they come to wake me up because the day is dawning. Then I think, "my God- it was you! You! haunted me last night. What are you doing here and why are you smiling??? Am I the only one in hell right now??" But I have to just get about my day and pretend I like being alive.

Later that day, by some miracle, my precious baby was asleep and it was nap time for Eloise. I quickly laid my head on the pillow to sleep, sleep came - quickly and determinedly and minutes, I mean minutes later, that precious baby was awake. Then I was ready to welcome death. I realized then that I would actually do anything anyone asked just to sleep for a few hours. Do you really want children, dear childless reader?

I remember before I had kids my friend was telling me that she thought she had postpartum depression. She said she hardly got any sleep and she was starting to feel crazy. In my childless state I wisely and calmly told her that I knew it was a well known method for cult leaders to deprive people of sleep so they could indoctrinate them. She felt better and actually laughed with relief. Now I think, 'whatever cult I need to join in order to get sleep, I will do it...just for a few minutes rest...a few minutes....'