The right Mama for this girl!

Let me be honest here (as if I haven't been already) I have no idea what I am doing. I got a great email for a friend today that said something along the lines of "don't worry, none us know what we are doing and we all feel inadequate as parents!" So glad to hear that!!!

So lets talk a out my daughter for a minute here. We need to give her the benefit of the doubt because she has a lot going on. She was sick, she's just moved into a hotel room with a white lady, she's on her 3rd Mama (they had a 'mom' at the orphanage), she's left all her friends and anything else remotely familiar, I don't understand one word she says (and vice-versa), and she's grieving losses I can't comprehend. But she's still 2. And I still have to live with her for the next 16 years and now is the time for training. In the last 2 days, she has cried for probably 12 hours because she didn't get what she wanted. I have literally held, right next to my ears, a crying 2 year old for 10 of those hours. This little girl is a firecracker. But I'm the Mom and I'm not the kind of mom who is going to let her kids be the boss of the family. Andy & I are the bosses and right now, it's me. So cry away, Elouise, cause I'm gonna break your will. Man it's painful though. And embarrassing. There are at least 5 other adoptive families here and right now I'm the one with the screaming child. But giving her what she wants, especially when it's unreasonable, is not the answer. The worker from the orphanage was here yesterday and as we talked about Eloise she consistently referred to her as 'capricious'. That one is the truth. She is so cute and so smiley and so fun, but when she doesn't get her way it's "YAYAYAYAYAYA" for HOURS. How can you cry for so long??? i mean i just held her for 40 MINUTES while she cried the whole time. But if theres one thing I've learned through adoption it's this: I can wait anything out. Including a tantrum. It's actually amazing how calm I feel (most of the time). I think something in me just knows that I am the right person to parent this child and I can handle whatever comes my way. I KNOW this feeling won't last, but I'm appreciating it right now when I have to leave playtime because my daughter is screaming. Don't get me wrong, it's exhausting!

Her tantrums have actually gotten shorter and her smiles have gotten longer, so we are moving toward victory! There is something I'm grateful for in all of this. She wants to be with me. When she's throwing a fit, even if its because I said no, she still wants me to hold her. We're bonding. And I tell her every time I hold her in the midst of a tantrum that I KNOW how hard it is to lose your will. I know how bad it sucks to not get your way. And I know how hard all of this is. And I'm here for you little one. And getting what you want isn't going to fill the void in your heart. Today we came upstairs and she cried for a while and then I turned on worship music and she started to settle down and is now sleeping across my lap. Bonding. In the midst of pain. I couldn't ask for anything more. Except maybe an ice cream ;).

Truly she is the sweetest girl in the world. But if you see me with her and she's crying, don't worry. Not getting what you want never killed anyone. And no, you can't hold her and she doesn't need whatever it is she asked for. We will continue to be working on our bonding and for a while only Andy and I are going to hold her. Yesterday I made the mistake of letting the orphanage worker hold her for a while and let me tell you, it made the day so much worse. She tried to play her and use her to get her way and then didn't want to come to me. I was feeling really embarrassed because of course, the worker knows her better than I do and may know more about dealing with this than me, but you know what she said to me? She said, "When Andy told me you were strict, I was really glad. She needs to know you are the mom and she needs someone strict to deal with her." Wow. Thanks because I sure do feel like an idiot right now....

Anyway, prayers are appreciated! This is hard and going home will be another change for this sweet one, so I anticipate a regression pretty quick.