Mama Bear

Today when I went to school to pick up the kids, I found Vaughn crying at the lunch table. Instead of getting Eloise first (she is much slower moving) I went right to Vaughn to find out what was wrong. Between tears he told me that two of his classmates had said he came from Coconut Island. One of the girls who said it is a girl we carpool with daily so I asked her what happened and as all kids do, instead of owning up she pointed to another boy who supposedly said it first. The boy, of course denied it.

Completely unlike me, I was at a total loss for words. First I tried to comfort Vaughn and second I attempted to slay the offending children  gently instruct those who had done wrong. I don't think I was very good at either. When I left to grab Vaughn a tissue I almost burst into tears myself thinking of my hurt son and how his whole life he will have things like this said to him or about him (have you noticed I've been crying a lot lately? Let's all give our special thanks to baby Baldwin for the hormonal surges). I went back to the table and told the lying little jerk boy that I didn't care if he said it or not and I couldn't force him to tell the truth, but he had to live with himself (What? Is this effective on 5 year olds? I don't think it is). Vaughn stopped crying and I packed him and our carpool girl up and went to get Eloise. On the way home the girl talked incessantly (as she usually does). I knew she was scared since I had told her I was sad that she hurt Vaughn, but I was going to tell her mom and let her mom deal with her. However, on the way home between completely ignoring her unless she asked me a direct question and thinking of Vaughn I decided that the best course of action would be to make her tell her mom what she did. (Oh boy, I remember having to do that a few times.) Anyway, it was effective enough that when she got into the house she just burst into tears. I ended up having to tell her mom and we talked about how sad it is that kids are just...jerks (these were not the words we used since her child was the offending party, but this is what I was thinking the whole time). Always have been, always will be.

But the whole thing left me feeling really inadequate as a parent. I usually feel like I know what to do and say to my kids, but what do you say? How do I teach my kids to deal with this? It's not that I think Vaughn will never be cruel (but I want to teach him how and why NOT to be) and it's not that I think there is something inherently wrong with the two kids who were cruel today (but I think there is). It's just that no matter who you are at some point you will find yourself on the short end of the cruel stick. I learned to deal with cruelty by laughing at myself, which is the result of incessant teasing from my dad (which is a whole counseling bill in and of itself) and even though it isn't the most fun to be teased, I actually don't mind it now and I am so glad I can laugh at myself (and everyone around me). BUT, I don't want to raise my kids like that. I like to tease them and we are sarcastic sometimes with them, but never to the point of cruel. So, that method is out. What now? Those two kids might be the FBA (Future Bullies of America) and I don't want Vaughn learning their tactics. So, how do you teach him to deflect those who hurt him and not to become someone who is himself hurtful to others? Any advice appreciated.