Milestones: Vaughn

Tonight Vaughn voluntarily hugged and kissed me goodnight. This may not seem like a big deal, but trust me- it is huge! Since he has been home, Vaughn has not ever really wanted to say goodnight to me. He kind of hems and haws and huffs and puffs each night at bedtime when it is time to say goodnight. Now, Papa, he gets all the loving from Vaughn- hugs, kisses, 'i love you's', but for Mama, it's a struggle. I know it's a bonding issue and so while it stung a little, I tried hard to not take it personally and instead invested my energy in bonding with my son.

While I don't believe for one second this battle is over (but I'm stopping to celebrate this victory!), here are some things I think we did right that helped us get to this point.

1. I respected his boundaries, but I didn't budge on my own. I never forced him to 'love me'. I always told him it was "OK" that he didn't want to say goodnight, but that he had two choices- to hug or to kiss me goodnight. The hug (what he always chose) was awkward and stiff, but he complied as best he could and I left it at that.

2. As I said, I worked hard to not take it personally. This protected me from being hurt by Vaughn and wanting to hurt him or withhold love in return (sorry if you think this is shallow, but I know this is true!).

3. Andy supported me. We try to always be a team when it comes to the kids. We both understand that at times one of the kids prefers one of us, but we don't let them decide how it will all go down. Sometimes Eloise just really wants Mama when she is hurt or mad. We respect that, but if she was hurtful to Papa in the process, she has to go back and apologize to him. Andy always helped Vaughn make the choice of a kiss or a hug and even while he was loving on Vaughn, he made sure Vaughn knew that Papa was on Mama's team and the goodnight ritual was not negotiable.

4. I'm learning, practicing and speaking Vaughn's love language. Vaughn LOVES words of affirmation! Say one good thing to him and he will repeat it the whole day. He thrives on hearing about the good in him. The other day in the bath I was combing the kids hair and I commented that Vaughn had such nice hair because the comb goes right through it. We then all joked about Eloise's hair and how hard it is to comb (consistent tears during comb outs). I bet 16 times since then he has said, "Vaughn hair so good. Good hair. Eloise hair no good." I try each day to compliment and affirm him. I'm really wanting to say something each morning and each night, but I do sometimes forget. However, whenever I remember during the day that Vaughn receives love through words, I give him some loving words and I make them genuine.

5. Sick day! On Thursday we were supposed to leave for Montrose when Andy got out of work. Vaughn woke up sick and as the day went on it became clear that he really was not well. I had planned for the babysitter to come for the morning so I could get some work done, but when I saw he wasn't well, I changed plans. He started to perk up a bit so I asked her to come over but said I would just work downstairs and if Vaughn needed me she should come get me. About 20 minutes into me working, he was calling for me (a victory in itself!). I invited him downstairs, bundled him up and let him watch cartoons beside me while I worked. Andy came home and made a run to the store for dinner with Eloise. I stayed back with Vaughn and  between meds and fluids, we got his fever down by about 5 PM. Andy and Eloise had just left so we ended up with about an hour where Vaughn was feeling better and it was just the two of us. The whole time they were gone, we just sat on the couch and talked. I can't tell you what we talked about, but we just sat there in the quiet and chatted. It was such a lovely moment. After caring for him all day (which does NOT come naturally to me), it was like a million dollar reward that I didn't know I had coming. Changing my plans, being available for him, and caring for him when he wasn't well spoke volumes to my son.

6. Not giving up. It's hard to love someone who doesn't really care to love you back. Eloise is the easiest person in the whole entire world for me to love because she does not ever hesitate to love me, even during correction and discipline. She hardly ever turns away from me. Vaughn, not so much. But what am I going to do? Love the 'lovable' one only? No way, Vaughn probably needs it more than Eloise which is why he plays the part of unlovable. Learning to bond with him and loving him in ways he can accept is part of the journey and I know I have to do the intentional and hard work now or else it won't get done and believe me, I don't want an unlovable teenager around. I was an unlovable teenager and I think my mom still has nightmares.

So, Vaughn, here's to you- doing the hard work yourself of learning to love another Mama. I know you probably wonder when I'll leave you like everyone else has, but I promise you, Buddy, I'm not going anywhere. So let's keep learning together how to be a family. I'm in this with you for as long as we are both alive.